600 posts feel like they mostly just rolled off the tongue, and now, suddenly, I am truly, deeply stumped. Either out of things to say or in that place of feeling that it has all been said before.
I was just saying to an old friend the other day that I generally believe in just not posting when I have nothing to post. No need to apologize, to explain myself. You guys get that this is free content, that I share it because I love it, that I'm not getting paid for the time that goes in here. This is the freedom, I waxed on, about being a tiny little SMALL blog: less pressure. But also, I am realizing now, more personal. Because it is not my job, it's just me. My voice, my work, my ideas. Vulnerable, right?
Over the last few days, I've noticed something. My "follower" numbers are going in the wrong direction. Three of you have broken up with me. I wish I could say I don't care, but oh, I do. I do! And I get it, I do. You're just not that into me. Or you followed because of some giveaway. Or you're cleaning out your google reader. Or you're over the blogs. (There's a bit of that backlash afoot, have you noticed?) As I have watched the little number tick up at a snail's pace over the past two years, I have thrilled to each one of you signing on. I have told myself how unspeakably cool it is that all of you come here to see what I am working on, or to read what I have to say. (It is unspeakably cool!) But now these little desertions feel like confirmation of what I have been feeling for a little while: that perhaps it is time to take a break. Or move on.
Here's the thing. I'm a drama queen. I am. If I ever try to deny it, just look at my 6 year-old throwing her theatrics and point and say, SEE! There it is. Just like you. And I won't even try to deny it.
But this isn't that. This is me just a little discouraged. I'm sorry to drag you into it. But I fear if I stay away too long without explanation, more of you will be gone when I come back.
Which, by the way, could be tomorrow, now's I got this off my chest.
Did I mention that it was my birthday Monday? Do you think maybe I just woke up on the wrong side of 38?
Tell me friends: how do you get yourself out of a funk? So far, all those action movies I've been escaping to aren't really doing it. I just fall asleep. Surely, there is a better way?